Fast Computers Tour Blog

23 Jun 2008


Calfornia Super Tour Fun Day 1
Category: Religion and Philosophy

My Blog Babies,
So here we set out on our annual California How's It Gonna Go Down This Time Make Us Happy Summer Tour and it gets good before we even get on the road. Fast Computers drummer, and all around smiley person, Jennifer Fox is on hiatus for this one. Replaced by the comic and percussive stylings of one Peter Nochisaki. Brenna (don't get me started) is still at the Woodlawn Promises Rehabilitation Center working on her "problem"(don't have her over unless you hide all the rubbing alcohol. THAT"S ALL I'm GOING TO SAY). The perpetually peppy Andrew Stern, however, is rock solid on the bass guitar as ever. So what yer looking at, avid fan, is the most testosterone filled Fast Computers you've ever seen (and likely ever will). BOOM!
We hit the ground running with a nice stop at our tour staple: The Burger Barn in Dunsmuir, CA. The Burger Barn lady "acted" like she didn't recognize us even though we gave her a copy of our album last time AND she promised to get us on the main stage of the Dunsmuir Days festival. Never got that call. Following our burgeur luncheon (as Peter N described it) digestive strife hit all three of the middle aged men riding in the Computers' tour van. So we swore off the Burger Barn forever and resolved to get a nice big bottle of Maalox at the next exit.
The next exit wound up being our stop for the evening, loverly Sacramento, California (or "the place I got HPV from a drinking fountain" as Andrew calls it). We loaded in to the legendary Old Ironsides then Andrew and I set out to find said Maalox (as well as a CA branch of Rite-Aid and their wonderfully cheap liquor prices). Once happening upon an extension of the nation drug store chain Andy and I made our selections, for him it was a nice bottle of Glenlivet, for me Tanqueray. Making our way to the checkout the semi-toothless 40-something hag behind the counter had the audacity to throw some haphazard flirtatious comment towards yours truly. Listen up California, I know you think the world revolves around you, but let's have a little reality check and realize that, even in a perfect world, a frizzy haired sometimes tweaker checkout worker at Rite-Aid stands not a chance with an on the road musician in his extremely early 30's who masks what may be fatal alcoholism with pathetic attempts at whit in an poorly conceived English accent. COME ON!
The show was awesome. Night Night was the best and Pet's blew our minds. O.I.'s Jerry Perry, despite the ill conceived hot sauce product hocked by his namesake (and one time respectable member of Aerosmith) Joe, is a prince amongst men. We retired to Night Night Dana and his wife Skye's home for a wonderful evening of banter, kitty love and coffee cake. I fell asleep to the sound of Peter N calling out "98, 99, 100!" as he did curls with Skye's half pound dumbbells.


24 Jun 2008


Day 2 CaliFUNication tour

We gathered our things and packed back into the van for a nice little drive down CA-99 to Bakersfield, home of our long time friends Gary and Courtnie of the Dalloways. Halfway through out 4 hour drive Peter N screamed. Apparently he was not enjoying the "mix" Andrew and I were creating by alternately playing small snippets of ironically bad songs on each other's ipods. He endeavored to create the penultimate playlist whilst I played the first 15 seconds of the Pointer Sisters' Jump.
We rolled into Bakersfield with Queen's Hammer To Fall (from Peter N's aforementioned playlist no less) blasting out of the van's speakers. Once at Gary and Courtnie's house we, of course, proceeded to have some cocktails while our hosts introduced us to their cats, Clementine and Cotti. While Clementine was a wonderful little feline, Cotti had the distinction of being born with an enormous face. But that didn't distract from his awesomeness.
We ate at a lovely little Thai place. I sat across from Andrew and couldn't help but describe out loud what I saw on the wall behind him. It was a giant horse made out of emeralds, surrounded by naked dancing gypsy's bathing in the waterfall that came out of the horses mouth. In the sky above the horse and gypsies was a huge fish made out of clouds and dreams that was about to eat a planet for the good of it's karma. Inside the horse's eye was an entire Thai village that had been banished by the gods. When Andrew finally turned around to see the painting I had been describing he immediately gasped, then started crying blood. Peter N, shrewd negotiator that he is, haggled with the restaurateur and manager to buy the painting to add to his already considerable Thai art collection.
Our venue for the evening, The Silverfox, was a favorite of ours from a few years back so we couldn't be happier to be back there. An old rummy sat watching some documentary about John Lennon on one of the bar tvs. He kept repeating: "Damn it, John. Why couldn't you just shut up and play your guitar? Why'd you have to get all political?" Sage words indeed.
Back at G&C's we broke out the Wii. I proceeded to make the ugliest Mii in history. It looked like Emporer Palpatine but with a big bushy moustache, old lady eyelashes and glasses and a big beauty mark. I, of course, named it Andrew. After a few rounds on the virtual links we all headed off to sleepy time with dreams. I, however, had a tough time catching any shut eye for fear that I would wake up and find an enormous cat face staring me down.

25 Jun 2008


CaliFunTour 08 Day 3!
Category: Romance and Relationships

The thing about Bakersfield is that it sucks. Not the people, not the Silverfox, not Gary & Courtnie (re day2 blog), just Bakersfield. It's hot, it's ugly, it's in the middle of nowhere by a maximum security prison and I don't think any man or woman dead or alive would disagree. Except maybe Buck Owens. The late Mr.Owens loved him some Bakersfield and he built the Crystal Palace to prove it. For years the CP has been a rite of passage for traveling musicians. Or in our case, traveling unemployed people masquerading as musicians. We stopped by the CP on our way out of Bakersfield. The whole place is made to look like some old west saloon. Outside on balconies mannequins are dressed as cowboys and prostitutes. Peter N posed for a photo under one such set of mannequins. As he did I called out "Hey Peter, act like you're jackin' off. You know, because they're prostitutes." Hilarity ensued and we all got a good laugh. UNTIL we turned around to see the man and woman in their 70s who had been watching the whole episode. As they looked on disapprovingly I said to Andrew "What, old people don't know what masturbation is?" Apparently not.

Back in the car we headed south to San Diego. Passing through Anneheim Peter N started getting all restless and excited acting. Once the big ears appeared on the horizon he completely lost it. Peter N then went into a half-intelligible rant about why he loves Disneyland, what his favorite rides are, maybe we should stop there, it isn't that far to San Diego, why can't we just stop for a bit, etc. Like some half retarded six year old who thinks that Batman is real, so misguided were Peter's dreams of a stop at Disneyland. However, neither Andrew nor I heart to tell him there would be no stop, so we simply drove on as his wails of ecstasy turned into ones of terror.

We arrived at Peter N's childhood to find his mother, Monika, who had prepared an unbelievable poolside spread. We made some drinks and got in the water. Hearing Andrew's complaint that he forgot his sunglasses in Portland, Monika magically produced a huge tray of the desired commodity. Andrew went bezerk trying on every pair, manically asking anyone who would listen "do these make me look cool? Do these make me look cool?" None of them did.

That evening at club U31, we were graced by the presence of Matt and Jason from Transfer (see future day4 blog), as well as Erica and Peggy from U31. We all had several dozen drinks and many good times. While my problems with Bakersfield do not translate to San Diego, I can say that they both have good people.

Back at Monika's house after the show, I jumped in the pool full clothed, immediately got out to vomit in a hanging plant over then passed out on the front lawn. Ahh, touring is the life.


27 Jun 2008


Day 4? Kaliphornia Toor

Up and at 'em out of San Diego we headed into LA for a day of sightseeing. After a few hours of gawking at the tourists attempting to find stars to gawk at, Peter N and Andrew hatched a plan to fulfill their lifelong desire of walking around in the Château Marmont. With Peter N parading as a screen writer and Andrew posing as his French fiancé, they were taken on a tour of the property supposedly in search of "the perfect honeymoon". I give the boys a lot of grief but on this one I have to give them props for originality.

We took the rolling freakshow that is the Fast Computers Summer In the Fun California Tour 08 down to the beach at Santa Monica. There Peter N and I took it upon ourselves to clean up the beach by looking for glass in the sand as Andrew took full advantage of his telephoto lens by photographing every pair of boobs he could find in a bikini. We hopped back in the car and once again headed south, this time to the Prospector in Long Beach.

We loved the Prospector the last time were there and this time proved no different. Save my interaction with a certain all-too astute bartender. You see, there is a special relationship between touring band and hosting club. One with rules both spoken and unspoken. It's a relationship which understands that sticking to legalities might not always be at the top of everyone's priorities but one that doesn't necessarily say so. That's why, if you're an idiot on tour (like, say, I) you don't ask the bartender for plastic cups and then say 'it's ok, we have some stuff to drink out in the van'. Learn from my mistakes children.
We were delighted to see the fellows from Transfer again as well as our old and dear friends the Parson Red Heads and old buddy Dane. Transfer was really great and the Parson's responded in kind (the FC [sandwiched in the middle] may not have faired as well but I'll leave that one to the bloggers to decide). After the bands stopped, DJ Velvet Touch oversaw a danceparty extrordonaire and we made the difficult decision to head back to Monika's in San Diego. Two hours, 14 caffeine pills and a six pack of Sparks later, we rolled back in to SD and immediately got in the pool.


Day Hi-Five!
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Awaking again in San Diego Peter N declared that he would take us on a driving tour of his childhood haunts. We packed into the van well provisioned with bathing suits, sunscreen and plenty of the devil alcohol. Peter N drove us around to a bunch of places while telling us tall tales of his adolescence. I hoped he was enjoying it because Andrew and I were as bored a pedophiles in a retirement home. Peter N blathered on and on about "smoking pot under that bridge" and "stealing cigarettes from that liquor store" all the while fighting back tears because apparently he's the only grown man in America who doesn't have a totally jacked up childhood with either father issues or mother issues or rejection issues or abandonment issues or self esteem issues or self doubt issues or persecution issues or all of them put together that are so bad that Dr.Brenner doesn't even know what drugs to give him any more. Either way, he made up for it by taking us to this little taco stand. At the neighboring convenience store Andrew and I got some sparks and proceeded to drink them out of paper bags all the while discussing how awesome The Wire is.

Next we went to the beach. Those of us from Oregon think of the beach as a formidable place, wind swept, desolate, uninviting, usually requiring a sweater of some sort year round. But in SD, those lucky bastards actually go swimming in the ocean. So we walked out on to the sand. Oh, the humanity. The place was crawling with 90 year old men in speedos, fat little 8 year olds wolfing down elephant ears and frat bros playing volleyball. We endeavored to bring a touch of class to the oceanfront with our mini travel bar and our martini fixin's. As I was pouring the first round, though, a rambunctious toddler scuttled by adding a wet sand garnish to the drinks. Here's to you, San Diego.

Our show that night was sold out. Too bad that the fans had to sit through sets by the Duke & The Dutchess and Fleet Foxes after we played. Post show we headed to the Ken Club, a place Peter N assured us was "awesome". We arrived to find a handful of drunken pot dealer types playing Steve Miller songs on the jukebox. Blagggh! Peter redeemed himself though by coaxing a few pbr's out of the bartenders despite the fact that they were "closing down for the night". We drank, were merry and headed back to Peter's mom's house for the night.